Lack of Stapleton Chimney’s Frustrates Santa

“Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.” In the story Twas the Night before Christmas, Santa enters the house through the chimney, and this is the way we have always been told Santa arrives. Centuries ago, this was how jolly old St. Nick delivered all of his presents, but advancements in home heating technology, changes in building codes, and the proliferation of multifamily housing has made gift delivery a logistical nightmare for Claus in recent centuries. “I hate new home communities,” Claus said during a presentation at a Christmas industry convention last spring. “In many places, building codes don’t allow chimneys on new construction homes, so I’ve had to resort to climbing through windows like a common criminal. I miss the days when every house had a chimney and I didn’t have to be an expert at breaking and entering.” Further complicating matters, many homes now have security systems, complete with motion detectors and sensors on windows. “We can get past most home security systems but it puts a dent in our efficiency. We’ve engaged in a world-wide public outreach campaign encouraging parents to disarm their alarms on Christmas Eve, but many aren’t comfortable with that, and we still trip some of the more advanced systems.” As a result, Claus has been forced to enter into a joint venture with Mr. Sandman, who helps ensure that families aren’t awakened by an alarm. “Prior to our partnership with Sandman Enterprises, we recommended that parents not comfortable with disarming their systems take Ambien or drink heavily if at all possible. Needless to say, this was a PR nightmare.” In Stapleton, many older children have begun to wonder how Santa arrives if there’s no chimney. Parents aren’t exactly sure, so they’ve resorted to often ridiculous explanations. Stapleton dad John Johnson explains. “My son Pete began to question how Santa gets in since we don’t have a chimney but I honestly had no idea what to tell him. Caught off-guard, I blurted out that he managed to squeeze in through a bathroom exhaust fan, but then the kids wanted to move the tree, along with milk and cookies, to our master bathroom. Gross! I gave up and said he uses magic.” What parents don’t know is that this “magic” involves the most advanced gift delivery logistics chain in the world, billions of dollars in capital investments, complex joint venture partnerships, and worldwide PR campaigns, all to keep Claus’ customers and investors happy. While changes in housing trends have provided challenges, some technological advancements have helped. “Digitizing our Naughty and Nice lists was a huge boost to productivity and allowed us to decrease labor costs. Yes, some elves were laid off, but we helped most find jobs as Elves on Shelves. They still report to us but now they’re non-unionized, independent contractors, so we’re saving huge amounts from lower wages and decreased benefits.” While many are unhappy about these elves being “off-poled,” Claus bristles at the notion that he’s turning into Scrooge, caring only about the bottom line. “It’s not about the bottom line, it’s about keeping our customers happy. The business is changing and we all have to adapt. If that means getting the same output from fewer FTEs (Full Time Elves), then they need to change with the times too; find a new career, go be a dentist or something.” ]]>

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