Stapleton’s Most Discriminated Group, Republicans, Prepare for Tough Times

With the November election right around the corner, Stapleton Republicans have been meeting regularly to discuss how they will respond to those yelling at them and stealing their yard signs. All 36 registered Republicans in the Stapleton community have been gathering every Thursday night at the Central Park community room. Some have chosen to go in costume in case an undercover Democrat plans to take names. “You never know what those scheming Democrats will be up to,” says Stapleton Republican leader Keith Carman. “You can never trust a damn lib.” Stapleton Republicans have long struggled for a voice in Stapleton, where most residents are considered “raging democrats.” This may be due to the high education level of the community overall, or the lack of a need for an automatic weapon, but for whatever reason, Stapleton has long been a hotbed for Democrats. “We don’t hate our neighbors,” says Carman. “We do hate that they are Democrats.” More annoying to Carman are the looks he and Republicans get when they put yard signs up. “We have no idea who we are going to support right now. In fact, it basically changes weekly. However, when we finally do stick with a candidate, we would like to know that when we put our yard signs up, they won’t be stolen or vandalized.” Stolen yard signs in Stapleton have been a problem for the handful of proud Republicans in the neighborhood. “Even if their voice doesn’t matter, we still don’t want them to be heard,” says local Democrat Adrienne Elmore. “Republican views can be very contagious, and we don’t want them catching on. I mean, we all want lower taxes, right?” Stapleton Republicans hope that this election year they will be allowed to support their candidates without the ridicule they have received in the past. In the immortal words of the omniscient magic 8-ball, “outlook not so good.” ]]>


  1. As one of the 36 registered republicans in Stapleton, I agree that is hard to fit in among all of the liberals. But I disagree with the assertion that there is a high education level in Stapleton. I had a Stapleton Mom tell the group the other day that she gets most of her news from John Stuart. I think that perhaps we just have a high level of uninformed voters in Stapleton.

  2. That’s right about the education of our residents. The truth is that 99% of the Stapleton Democrats hold a degree from a 4 year college. Only 43% of the Stapleton Republicans hold a college degree. Out of the 43% Republicans that are educated, 37% have a degree from a private expensive university paid for by Daddy. The other 6% have a degree from a 2 year tech school or community college. How do I know this? Why John Stuart of course.

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